Christmas Jokes
Cracker jokes, dad jokes, knock-knocks and one-liners — sorted by type so you can find the right bad joke for the right moment.
- Jokes
- 76
- Categories
- 9
- To print & use
- Free
What makes a good Christmas joke?
The best-known Christmas cracker joke is “What do you call an old snowman? Water.” Cracker jokes follow one shape: a one-line question, a one-word answer, and a pun you can see coming — they are written to be groaned at rather than laughed at, because the reaction around the table is the point. For children, pick jokes with a single pun and no setup to remember, so they can repeat them the next day.
- Best-known cracker joke
- “What do you call an old snowman? Water.”
- Cracker joke shape
- One-line question, one-word pun
- Best for young children
- Single pun, no setup to memorise
- Using them yourself
- Traditional — free to print and share
Christmas Cracker Jokes
The groan-worthy one-liners that come folded up in a paper hat. Short enough to read aloud with a mouthful of turkey.
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What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
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Why did the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks.
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What do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
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What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick. Same as the one in your cracker.
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Why is it always cold at Christmas?
Because it’s in Decem-brrr.
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What do you call a penguin in the Sahara?
Lost.
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What’s the most competitive season?
Win-ter.
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Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor?
He was feeling crummy.
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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an iPad?
A pine-apple.
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What do sheep say to each other at Christmas?
Merry Christmas to ewe.
Santa Jokes
Everything about the man in red — the chimney, the sleigh, the list, the biscuits.
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What do you call Santa when he takes a break?
Santa Pause.
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What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson.
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Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.
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What do you call Santa living at the South Pole?
A lost cause.
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How much did Santa’s sleigh cost?
Nothing — it was on the house.
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What goes “Oh, oh, oh”?
Santa walking backwards.
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Why was Santa’s little helper feeling low?
He had low elf-esteem.
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What’s Santa’s favourite kind of music?
Wrap.
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Where does Santa stay when he travels?
At a ho-ho-hotel.
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What do you call Santa’s dog?
Santa Paws.
Christmas Knock-Knock Jokes
For anyone at the table who is four years old, or acting like it.
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Knock knock. Who’s there? Snow. Snow who?
Snow use asking, I’m not telling you.
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Knock knock. Who’s there? Mary. Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
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Knock knock. Who’s there? Holly. Holly who?
Holly-days are here again.
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Knock knock. Who’s there? Wanda. Wanda who?
Wanda where the presents are hidden?
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Knock knock. Who’s there? Donut. Donut who?
Donut open until Christmas.
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Knock knock. Who’s there? Elf. Elf who?
Elf me carry these presents, would you?
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Knock knock. Who’s there? Rudolph. Rudolph who?
Rudolph the money and nobody gets hurt.
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Knock knock. Who’s there? Avery. Avery who?
Avery merry Christmas to you.
Reindeer Jokes
Nine reindeer, roughly nine hundred puns. Here are the ones that land.
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What do you call a reindeer with no eyes?
No idea.
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What do you call a reindeer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.
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How do you make a reindeer fast?
Don’t feed it.
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What do reindeer say before telling a joke?
“This one will sleigh you.”
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Why does Rudolph get a bad review every year?
He’s always going down in history.
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What do you call a reindeer that can’t stop dancing?
Dancer.
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Where do reindeer go to get ice cream?
Sundae school.
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What’s a reindeer’s favourite Christmas song?
Sleigh Ride — obviously.
Snowman Jokes
Carrot noses, coal eyes, and a limited shelf life.
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What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
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What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
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Where do snowmen keep their money?
In a snow bank.
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How do snowmen get around?
By riding an icicle.
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What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?
An abdominal snowman.
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What did the snowman say to the impatient customer?
“Chill out.”
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How do snowmen greet each other?
“Ice to meet you.”
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What’s a snowman’s favourite lunch?
An iceberg-er.
Elf Jokes
Small people, large output, endless workplace jokes.
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What do you call an elf who sings?
A wrapper.
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What school subject are elves best at?
Elf-abet.
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How do elves get to work?
By icicle.
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What do elves learn first at school?
The elf-abet.
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Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log.
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What do you call an elf wearing earmuffs?
Anything you like — he can’t hear you.
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How does an elf take a photograph?
With an elf-ie.
Christmas Jokes for Kids
Clean, short, and easy to remember — the ones a seven-year-old can retell at school.
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What do you call a cat in the desert on Christmas Day?
Sandy Claws.
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What do elves do after school?
Their gnome-work.
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What’s a Christmas tree’s favourite sweet?
Orna-mints.
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Why couldn’t the Christmas tree stand up?
It didn’t have legs.
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What do you call a greedy elf?
Elfish.
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What do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
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What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsel-itis.
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Which of Santa’s reindeer has the worst manners?
Rude-olph.
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What do you call a dog who works for Santa?
A Santa paws.
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Why do mummies like Christmas so much?
Because of all the wrapping.
Christmas Dad Jokes
Delivered flatly, at the table, to an audience that has heard them before.
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I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas.
You should have seen her face light up when she opened it.
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What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas one has Noel.
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My family said no gifts this year, so I got them all nothing.
Turns out that was a metaphor.
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What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
Rude-olph.
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I burnt the Christmas cake.
Everyone said the oven was set to 180. It was gas mark 4. I stand by my reading.
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What did one Christmas light say to the other?
“You light me up.”
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Why don’t you ever see Santa in hospital?
Because he has private elf care.
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What happens if you eat the Christmas decorations?
You get tinsel-itis. I’ll be here all week.
Christmas One-Liners
No setup, no build-up. Useful for cards, captions and speeches you have not prepared.
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Christmas:
the only time of year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat sweets out of socks.
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My budget for Christmas is a joke.
Unfortunately nobody is laughing.
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A Christmas tree is the only thing that looks better with the lights on.
Everything else in this house does not.
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I’m dreaming of a white Christmas.
But if it turns green I’ll still eat it.
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Nothing says the holidays
like a stranger’s fruitcake nobody will admit to bringing.
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Christmas shopping is just
panic buying with a soundtrack.
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The three stages of life:
you believe in Santa, you don’t believe in Santa, you are Santa.
How to Tell a Christmas Joke Badly Enough
A cracker joke is not a stand-up routine and does not survive being performed like one. The delivery that works is flat: read the question, wait for someone to say “I don't know”, and give the answer without smiling. The groan is the applause. If you laugh first you have taken the joke's only job.
Timing matters more than material at the table. The window is between the plates going down and the first person reaching for the gravy — roughly ninety seconds in which everyone is seated, nobody is eating yet, and paper hats are still on. Once carving starts you have lost the room to the food.
Putting Them in Your Own Crackers
Homemade crackers need jokes cut to about 40 characters so they fit a slip of paper you can roll inside the tube. The one-liners and cracker jokes above are all short enough; the knock-knocks are not, and are better read aloud than printed. Print two or three per cracker rather than one — the cost is nothing and it saves the person who gets a dud.
If you are making the crackers themselves, our Christmas crafts section has the gift-wrap and paper projects, and the printables hub has things you can run off for the table.